Separation anxiety in babies and toddlers is when they become upset or anxious when separated from their primary caregivers, usually their parents. This can happen when they are left with a babysitter, at daycare, or even if the parent leaves the room. It's a normal part of development that typically starts around 6-8 months and can last until about age 3, as children learn to understand that their parents will return. Separation anxiety can impact many things in your child's life, including sleep.
Why do babies experience separation anxiety?
Little ones experience separation anxiety due to their developing cognitive and emotional abilities. Here are some reasons why:
1. Object permanence: Around 8-10 months, babies start to understand object permanence, the concept that people and objects continue to exist even when they can't be seen.[1] This new awareness can lead to anxiety when they realise their parent is out of sight but still exists somewhere.
2. Attachment Development: According to attachment theory, children form strong emotional bonds with their primary caregivers.[2] These attachments are crucial for their emotional security. When separated from their caregiver, the child may feel insecure and anxious.
3. Stranger Anxiety: Around the same age, babies begin to show a preference for familiar faces and can become wary of strangers.[3] This development can intensify their reaction to being separated from their primary caregiver.
4. Increased Mobility: As babies start to crawl and walk, they explore their environment more independently. This newfound independence can sometimes lead to increased anxiety about separation because they realise how much they rely on their caregiver for safety and comfort.[4]
5. Emotional Regulation: Babies and toddlers are still learning how to regulate their emotions. When separated from their primary caregiver, they may struggle to manage their feelings of distress and fear, leading to noticeable anxiety.[5]
Separation anxiety is a normal part of your child's development and shows they have a secure attachment to you. It might not be fun, but it's a positive sign!
Signs of separation anxiety in babies:
- Crying or Fussiness When Separated: Your baby cries or becomes fussy when you leave the room or when they're with someone else.
- Clinginess: Your baby wants to be held or stay close to you more often than usual.
- Sleep Disturbances: Your baby may have trouble falling asleep, wake up frequently at night, or have difficulty napping.
- Refusing to Be With Others: Your baby may resist being with other caregivers or people they are not familiar with.
- Increased Anxiety: Your baby may seem more anxious or fearful, especially in new or unfamiliar situations.
Why do toddlers or children experience separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety in toddlers and children is influenced by various developmental, psychological, and environmental factors. Here are some key causes:
- Developmental Milestones: Major milestones such as learning to walk, talk, or becoming more aware of their environment can increase a child's anxiety. These developments can make them more conscious of their dependence on their caregivers and more anxious about being separated.[6]
- Environmental Changes: Significant changes in a child’s life, such as moving to a new home, starting daycare or preschool, or changes in family dynamics (like a new sibling or parental separation), can trigger or worsen separation anxiety.[7]
- Temperament: Some children are naturally more prone to anxiety due to their temperament. Children who are more sensitive, less adaptable to change, or have a higher level of baseline anxiety may experience more pronounced separation anxiety.[8]
Signs of separation anxiety in toddlers & children:
- Clinginess: Children may become unusually clingy and reluctant to be apart from their primary caregiver.
- Fear of Separation: They may express fear or distress when anticipating or experiencing separation from their caregiver.
- Sleep Disturbances: Your little one may have trouble falling asleep, wake up frequently at night, or have difficulty napping.
- Refusal to Go to School or Daycare: They might resist going to school or daycare, often accompanied by tears or tantrums.
- Nighttime Fears: Separation anxiety can manifest at bedtime, with children expressing fears of being alone or separation anxiety can manifest.
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Changes in Eating Habits: Your baby might eat less or become more picky with food during this period.
When does separation anxiety peak?
- 8-10 months old: This is often the first noticeable peak of separation anxiety. Babies start to understand object permanence, realising that their caregiver still exists even when out of sight, leading to increased anxiety when separated.
- 12-18 months old: This period is commonly associated with a significant peak in separation anxiety. Babies become more aware of their surroundings and more attached to their parents, making them more anxious when separated.
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2-3 years old: As toddlers develop a stronger sense of independence, separation anxiety can peak again. They may have a harder time being away from their caregivers, especially in new or unfamiliar environments like preschool.
Can separation anxiety affect sleep?
Separation anxiety can significantly impact a baby's sleep, leading to various sleep disturbances. These may include:
- Difficulty Falling Asleep: Babies experiencing separation anxiety may have trouble falling asleep, as they fear being left alone. This anxiety can make bedtime routines more challenging and prolonged.
- Increased Night Wakings: Babies with separation anxiety may wake up more frequently during the night and have difficulty self-soothing back to sleep. They might cry out for their caregiver, needing reassurance and comfort to fall asleep again.
- Shorter Naps: Separation anxiety can also affect daytime sleep, leading to shorter and less restful naps. Babies might wake up early from naps and struggle to go back to sleep without their caregiver's presence.
- Resistance to Sleep: Some babies may resist going to sleep altogether, showing signs of distress or becoming clingy when it’s time for bed or naps. This resistance can lead to increased stress for both the baby and the caregiver.
- Changes in Sleep Patterns: The anxiety of being separated can cause changes in a baby's overall sleep patterns, leading to irregular sleep schedules and less consolidated sleep.
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Impact on Sleep Quality: Overall sleep quality may decline as a result of increased anxiety and disruptions, leading to less restorative sleep for the baby.
How can I support my baby or toddler through separation anxiety?
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Make room for intentional 1:1 time with your child: Spend focused time with your child, even if it's just 10-15 minutes. This special attention and bonding time can really help your little one cope with big changes or transitions.
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Practice Separation: Gradually introduce short separations from your child, starting with brief periods and gradually increasing the time apart. Start with simple games like peek-a-boo for babies or hide and seek for toddlers. These games help them learn that you'll come back and can be a fun way to explore how things still exist even when they can't see them.
When you're ready, have Grandma watch your child while you run errands. This practice can help your child get used to short times away from you and feel more confident that you'll come back.
Remain calm and provide reassurance before, during, and after separations to help your child feel secure.
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Prepare in Advance: Talk about separation and use simple language to explain upcoming separations, such as going to daycare or being cared for by someone else.
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Use Transitional Objects: Allow your child to bring a familiar object (like a favourite toy or blanket) when facing separations to provide comfort.
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Don't sneak away: Don't leave without letting your child see you. Sneaking away can sometimes make babies or toddlers more anxious about separation. Allowing them to see you leave builds trust and gives you a chance to continue supporting them as they learn about this new experience.
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Establish a short goodbye routine: A cuddle, kiss, and saying "love you" works well. Remind them you'll always return. This makes goodbyes more predictable and gives your child a familiar routine.
When it's time to leave, avoid lingering. Stick to your goodbye routine and leave promptly. Going back for more kisses or reassurance can confuse and upset your child.
- Model Coping Strategies: Children often mirror their parents' emotions, so managing your own anxiety about separations can positively influence your child's response. Model healthy coping strategies, such as deep breathing or positive self-talk, to help your child manage their emotions during separations.
Can a comforter or a lovey help?
Yes! According to attachment theory[3], transitional objects like comforters or loveys serve as a bridge between the child and their caregiver. These objects retain the caregiver's scent and provide a physical connection that can soothe the child during times of separation, such as bedtime or naptime.
When is it safe to introduce a comforter or lovey?
According to Red Nose Australia, it is safe for a baby to use a comforter from 7 months old.
How do I introduce a comforter/lovey?
- Choose a safe comforter: Select one that is specifically designed for babies and meets safety standards. Make sure it is made of soft, breathable materials and doesn't have small parts that could pose a choking hazard.
- Use Your Scent: Sleep with the comforter for a night or two to transfer your scent to it. Babies often find comfort in familiar scents, especially those of their primary caregivers.
- Make It Part of the Naptime/Bedtime Routine: Incorporate the comforter into your baby's wind down routine. For example, you can use it while reading a bedtime story or during a feed, soothing moments before sleep.
- Let Them Explore: Allow your baby to explore the comforter on their own. Babies often enjoy touching and feeling different textures. Supervise closely to ensure safety.
- Use during sleep: Once your little one is comfortable with the comforter, you can introduce it into the cot or sleep environment. Ensure that the cot remains free of other loose bedding to promote a safe sleep environment.
- Don’t force it & give it time: Not all babies will attach to a lovey straight away.
How can I help my baby or toddler with separation anxiety when it's time for sleep?
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Establish consistent nap time or bedtime routine: Maintain consistent daily routines and rituals to provide structure and predictability, which can reduce anxiety around separations. Establish a calming wind down or bedtime routine to help your child feel secure and prepared for nap or nighttime separations.
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Make them feel more comfortable in their bedroom/nursery: If your child shows signs of separation anxiety during bedtime or naptime, or cries when you enter the nursery, try spending more awake time in their room. Dress them there, change nappies, or play with toys! These enjoyable activities and positive experiences will help them feel more comfortable in the room, making it easier when you need to step out.
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Use a lovey or comforter (from 7 months old): Comforters or loveys can help babies and toddlers cope with separation anxiety around sleep by providing a sense of security and familiarity. Using a comforter or lovey consistently as part of the bedtime routine establishes a comforting ritual. This predictability can be comforting for the child and reinforce positive sleep associations.
Note: It's important to introduce a comforter or lovey safely, ensuring it is age-appropriate and following safe sleep guidelines to reduce the risk of suffocation or other hazards.
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Avoid introducing new routines or habits: While they might seem helpful in the short term, they could lead to long-term challenges. What seems like a temporary fix during a developmental leap can turn into a full-blown setback in sleep patterns. Consistency in your approach to sleep creates a stable and secure environment for your child, even when separation anxiety is a factor.
- Be prepared with a plan: If bedtime and naps are consistently challenging or if you're looking to improve sleep habits, my Sleep Guides offer a structured approach to achieving peaceful and independent sleep. Whether your child is a baby (5-24 months) or a toddler (2-4 years old), these Sleep Guides provide the guidance you need.
I also have 1:1 support options to help you raise a healthy little sleeper. I take a holistic approach, looking at every part of your daily life that might affect your baby's sleep to make sure my advice is tailored just for your little one and the entire family. Not sure where to start? Book a free 15 minute discovery call today! This is a perfect opportunity for us to discuss your little one's sleep challenges and what working together could look like.
References:
[1] Piaget, J. (1954). The Construction of Reality in the Child. New York: Basic Books.
[2] Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
[3] Sroufe, L. A., Cooper, R. G., & DeHart, G. B. (1992). Child Development: Its Nature and Course. New York: McGraw-Hill.
[4] Campos, J. J., Anderson, D. I., Barbu-Roth, M. A., Hubbard, E. M., Hertenstein, M. J., & Witherington, D. (2000). Travel broadens the mind. Infancy, 1(2), 149-219.
[5] Thompson, R. A. (1994). Emotion regulation: A theme in search of definition. In N. A. Fox (Ed.), The development of emotion regulation: Biological and behavioral considerations (pp. 25-52). Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2-3).
[6] Sadeh, A. (2007). Consequences of sleep loss or sleep disruption in children. Sleep Medicine Clinics, 2(3), 513-520.
[7] Middlemiss, W. (2004). Infant sleep: A review of normative and problematic sleep and interventions. Early Child Development and Care, 174(1), 99-122.
[8] Kagan, J. (1997). Temperament and the reactions to unfamiliarity. Child Development, 68(1), 139-143.